Three Words That Keep Returning
In the past few weeks, three words have kept drawing my attention.
They came quietly at first — not as big revelations, but as recurring themes beneath my everyday desires. When I slowed down enough to notice, I realised they were pointing to the experience behind the things I thought I wanted.
This became a simple but powerful practice:
Notice what you’re seeking on the outside — and then look a little deeper beneath the surface.
So often, our attention goes straight to the outer form of happiness.
We chase the new job, the promotion, the relationship, the income level, the change in environment — believing that when the external thing shifts, the inner experience we long for will finally arrive.
But this rarely works out in the way we hope. There are countless examples of people getting exactly what they wanted, only to find the feeling they expected either didn’t arrive… or didn’t last.
The outer thing wasn’t actually the thing.
So I began asking myself a simple, honest question:
How do I imagine I’ll feel when I get what I want?
Because ultimately, this is what we’re seeking — not the object or achievement, but the feeling we believe it will create.
And if that’s true, then another question follows naturally:
Is there a quicker, simpler, more direct way to feel what I want to feel?
When I sat with this, the same three words kept rising to the surface: Vitality. Connection. Abundance.
They weren’t chosen; they were just honest for me.
Tracing What’s Behind Desires
Almost every desire I traced back led to one of these experiences:
- Wanting health, more energy, clarity, spark → Vitality
- Wanting deeper friendships, meaning, belonging → Connection
- Wanting money, ease in life, trust, spaciousness → Abundance
These questions revealed something unexpected: what we’re often craving is not the form but the state. Not the thing, but the experience beneath the thing.
Seeing this simplified everything. Instead of chasing many different forms, I could tune into just these three experiences — and ask whether the way I was living was cultivating them or quietly draining them.
This guide is an invitation to do the same: to look beneath surface desires and explore a way of to measure well-being not through numbers, or our outer experience alone, but to track something deeper and more honest, which might be the true markers for our well-being and happiness.
Chasing the Form Instead of the Inner Experience
One of the most common traps we fall into is assuming that outer change will automatically create inner change.
We believe that a different job, more money, a new place, or a specific achievement will deliver the feeling we’re longing for.
But the outer form is almost never the real desire. What we’re actually seeking is the state we imagine it will bring.
This is why people can reach the milestone, tick the box, get the thing, and still feel strangely unchanged. The form arrived, but the feeling didn’t.
When we look more honestly, most of our goals are really just placeholders for deeper experiences – Free Your Flow
Look closely, and the pattern becomes clear:
- A new job often points to a longing for Vitality — energy, engagement, aliveness.
- A relationship or community often points to Connection — belonging, being seen, shared meaning.
- Financial or lifestyle goals often point to Abundance — ease, safety, trust, a sense of enough.
The problem isn’t wanting these things. It’s assuming the outer route is the only way to reach them.
When we shift our attention from the form to the feeling underneath, clarity emerges.
We begin to understand what we’re actually moving toward — and from there, change becomes more direct, more grounded, and far less exhausting.
It also opens up possibilities and creativity for meeting these needs.
Why These Three? A Short Introduction to Each
These three words matter because they describe lived experience, not ideals. They felt less like goals and more like conditions for a good life.
Vitality
Vitality is the felt sense of being alive. It’s energy, clarity, engagement, creativity — the feeling that life is moving through you rather than passing you by.
Many of our outer goals — the desire for a different job, a new rhythm, more freedom in our schedule, even a search for meaning — are actually attempts to reclaim this spark.
Vitality is what turns existence into living.
Connection
Connection is the experience of belonging — it’s relatedness and intimacy with the depth of yourself, to others, to your work, to life itself.
It’s the opposite of numbness, isolation, or fragmentation.
So many of our longings — for community, love, purpose, creativity, spiritual growth — are really longings for connection.
When connection is present, life feels meaningful. We feel guided, supported, accompanied. Even solitude can feel nourishing rather than empty.
Abundance
Abundance is one of the most misunderstood words, because we’ve reduced it to “having more.” But true abundance is not a number — it’s a felt sense of enoughness.
It’s spaciousness, trust, breathing room — a sense that life is supportive rather than threatening.
Often our financial or lifestyle goals are really attempts to feel safe, resourced, and at ease.
Abundance is what turns survival into ease.
Together, these three form an inner ecosystem. When one is nourished, the others often benefit. When one is depleted, the strain is felt across the system.
And while none of them can be perfectly measured, all of them can be felt. This makes them remarkably useful as inner metrics to measure well-being.
Interlude — The Experience We Seek Through Work
As I was writing, another question surfaced:
What about work?
For many of us, work is one of the main outer forms we chase, worry about, or feel defined by.
But just like everything else, work is rarely the true longing. It’s a container for deeper experiences.
Most people aren’t actually seeking a job title or a role. They’re seeking:
- Meaning — the sense that what they do matters.
- Expression — the chance to use their gifts, creativity, or strengths.
- Connection — to feel part of something, valued, supported.
- Stability — the desire to feel safe, grounded, resourced.
- Freedom — more time, autonomy, spaciousness.
- Growth and Contribution — the feeling of evolving and offering something useful to the world.
When you look closely, these map directly onto the three core experiences:
- Expression, creativity, energy → Vitality
- Belonging, purpose, meaning → Connection
- Stability, freedom, spaciousness → Abundance
Work touches every part of our lives, so it naturally mirrors these deeper longings. Seeing this can shift how we approach career decisions — from chasing the “right” role to cultivating the experiences we actually want to live.
This way of listening beneath surface desires is at the heart of my work on Career Wayfinding, where we explore not just what you do, but the experiences your work is meant to support.
The Soft Signs — Subtle Metrics to Measure Well-being
Well-being doesn’t come with obvious numbers. And yet, these qualities are incredibly measurable in a different way — through the subtle, lived signs that show up in our everyday experience.
These soft signs are the quiet indicators that show up before anything dramatic changes. Learning to notice them is the beginning of improving our inner well-being.
Vitality
When vitality is present, you might notice:
- A natural desire to move, create, or engage.
- Clearer thinking, decision-making and moments of inspiration.
- A sense of “flow” or absorption in what you’re doing.
- A spark of enthusiasm, even if subtle.
- A feeling of aliveness in the body — warmth, readiness, wakefulness.
- Reduced mental chatter, clarity of thinking and moments of inspiration.
Connection
Connection shows up in the felt sense of how you relate to yourself, to others, and to the world.
It is alive when:
- You feel at ease with the people around you, without judgment.
- You’re present and energised in conversations, not just performing them.
- You feel a sense of belonging.
- There’s warmth in your chest, or a softening when you’re with others.
- Even solitude feels nourishing rather than empty.
- You sense your own inner voice.
These subtle indicators reveal whether you’re in deep relationship with life — or kind of skimming on the surface of it.
Abundance
Abundance is not a bank balance — it’s a nervous system state.
When abundance is present:
- You have a sense of enough — time, energy, resources, support.
- You feel relaxed, trusting, open.
- Uncertainty doesn’t feel threatening; it feels workable.
- You make decisions from clarity rather than fear.
- You feel spacious — internally and externally.
- You spend time in the present and are optimistic about the future.
These signs are subtle but unmistakable.
The Harder Metrics — What We Can Actually Measure
While these experiences are internal, certain outer markers can help reveal patterns.
Vitality
Some measurable indicators include:
- Sleep quality and regularity: How often you wake rested vs. drained.
- Energy levels throughout the day: Noticing peaks and dips.
- Movement: Steps taken, time spent active, frequency of stretching or exercise.
- Focus and attention: How long you can stay engaged in a task without drifting.
- Creativity output: Number of ideas generated, projects worked on, moments of flow.
- Nervous system indicators: Heart rate variability, resting heart rate — these don’t define vitality, but they reflect it.
Connection
You might look at:
- Quality and frequency of meaningful interactions: Conversations where you felt present, seen, or connected.
- Time spent with people who nourish you vs. people who drain you.
- Number of social touchpoints in a week: Calls, messages, shared meals, time with community.
- Sense of community involvement: Groups, gatherings, shared activities.
- Moments of self-connection: Journaling days, meditation minutes, or simply intentional pauses.
- Work or creative collaboration: How often you’re creating with others rather than alone.
Abundance
Some measurable indicators include:
- Financial clarity: Knowing what you spend, what you need, and what’s available — not in a controlling way, but in a grounded, stable way.
- Savings buffer / emergency fund: A tangible form of spaciousness.
- Time spaciousness: How much open or unscheduled time you have in a week.
- Ability to rest without guilt or urgency.
- Breathing room in commitments: How often you feel overextended vs. resourced.
- Degree of flexibility: In your schedule, work, finances, or lifestyle.
These aren’t targets to optimise. They’re clues — information that helps you notice whether your outer life is supporting your inner experience.
Established Measures for Well-being
If you want something more formal, there are a few simple, research-backed tools worth exploring:
- WHO-5 Well-Being Index — a quick snapshot of emotional vitality: World Health Organization
- Satisfaction With Life Scale (SWLS) — a measure of overall life contentment: SWLS Online Test
- Authentic Happiness site (positive psychology questionnaire hub – requires free registration): Authentic Happiness Well‑Being Questionnaires
These can be useful complements to the more personal, felt metrics explored here.
The Path of Growth: Awareness → Acceptance → Aligned Action
Change tends to move through three recurring stages.
Awareness — Seeing What’s Really Here
Everything starts with noticing.
Not the surface-level “I should exercise more” or “I’m not earning enough,” but a softer, more honest kind of seeing.
Where am I, really, in each of these dimensions right now?
What’s the felt sense of vitality in my life?
How connected do I feel—to myself, to others, to something larger?
In what ways does abundance show up for me, and where does scarcity still live in the background?
Awareness is not about judgment or improvement. It’s simply about recognising the truth of this moment.
And that truth is often gentler than the story we tell ourselves.
Acceptance — Letting Things Be as They Are (For Now)
Once we see what’s true, the next impulse is usually to fix it.
But strangely, the deepest shifts begin not from effort, but from acceptance—from allowing reality to be what it is. Acceptance is not resignation.
Acceptance might sound like:
“Okay. This is where I am. It’s what’s alive in me right now.” “This is what hurts.” “This is what I long for.” “And this is what’s already working.”
When we accept our real starting point, the nervous system softens. The inner resistance drops. Space opens. And in that space, the next step almost always becomes clearer.
Aligned Action — The Natural Next Move
From awareness and acceptance, action becomes something very different.
Small, honest steps that emerge naturally from truth rather than pressure.
Aligned action might look tiny:
- Going for a 10-minute walk.
- Reaching out to a friend.
- Drinking a litre more water.
- Tidying one corner of your space.
- Saying “no” to one thing and “yes” to something that lights you up.
But even tiny steps build trust and momentum.
Or it might be bigger:
- Starting a new chapter in your work.
- Reclaiming a boundary.
- Launching the project you keep postponing.
- Choosing to invest in yourself.
- Cultivating a meditation practice.
The point is that aligned action doesn’t come from pressure, it comes from honouring what you now see and what you’ve accepted about your real needs—physical, emotional, relational, financial, spiritual.
And when action flows from that place, even the smallest steps compound. They create momentum, build trust, and your energy.
You begin to experience more of what you actually want—not someday, when the outer picture finally matches some vision—but right now, inside this living moment.
Practical Ways to Nourish Each Area
Vitality → Movement
Movement clears stagnation, wakes up your energy, and gently brings you back into your body.
Connection → Presence
Connection isn’t really about the number of people in your life—it’s about the quality of your attention.
Presence is the doorway.
One real conversation. Time in nature. Listening without needing to fix or perform. Sharing something honest with someone you trust
When you’re present, connection becomes almost effortless, almost like a byproduct of presence itself.
Abundance → Appreciation
Abundance expands when we shift from what’s missing to what’s already here.
Notice what’s already here and working. Look for where life is already giving to you.
Appreciation softens the inner sense of scarcity and reveals the resources, support, and possibilities you’re already living within.
Don’t Take It Too Seriously
These aren’t KPIs for your inner life.
None of this is meant to become another self-improvement project.
Life moves in cycles—ups and downs, expansion and contraction, seasons of energy and seasons of rest. There’s nothing wrong with any of it. It’s all part of being human.
If anything, the invitation here is to drop the pressure.
The Mystery of Being Alive
Beneath everything, there’s something simple and profound:
You’re alive.
Here, in this moment, in this strange and beautiful mystery of existence, being a human with a body, a mind, a heart, sensations, longings, challenges, gifts. If we remember that—even briefly—gratitude starts to grow almost on its own.
Not the forced kind, but the quiet recognition that being here at all is extraordinary.
When we meet life with presence, appreciation and the ability to move/respond, we naturally touch all three:
Vitality — because we’re awake to the experience of being alive. Connection — because presence brings us closer to ourselves and others. Abundance — because appreciation reveals how much is already here.
Before you move on, you might pause and ask:
What’s alive in me right now?
Photo by Elena Leya on Unsplash
